Pound for Pound: Extreme mowing

Published 10:30 am Tuesday, July 30, 2024

Some less traditional sports are enjoying their time in the limelight with the 2024 Paris Olympic Games happening right now.

Those who love their country and competition suddenly find themselves interested in things like artistic swimming, trampoline, and even breakdancing.

This week I make my case for an addition to a future edition of the Games – extreme lawn-mowing.

The idea spun up after I mowed my lawn Sunday evening. I had finished the actual cutting and was bringing the mower down the driveway towards the spot where its kept. The use of the word ‘down’ is important here, as my driveway is a steady decline from the road.

Before parking the mower, I turned the blade on to blow grass clippings from the driveway. One pass didn’t finish the job, so I turned the blade off, reversed up the hill, and set myself up for what was to be my last run. A Reese’s milkshake from Cookout and the last precious hours of relaxation before the start of another work week were in sight.

Well, when I started on my second and final pass at what I thought would be a safe cruising speed, the lawnmower instead began barreling down the hill faster than an Olympic bobsled (winter sports reference, I know). Rather than recognizing this quickly and pulling a hard left to use the natural hill of my yard to come to a safe stop, I kept going straight.

Hit the brakes, you say? Tried that. They were about as useful as GMC’s squared-oval track.

Sidebar: this is actually the second time this has happened to me. The first instance occurred a few years ago when my mower ran out of gas while coming down the driveway. But that happened at a much lower point on the hill than Sunday’s event, so I was able to ‘land the plane’ with no issues then.

Back to Sunday, I was moving at a speed of what felt like 100 mph and low on options. I decided to try and thread the needle between my driveway and the treeline, which I was successful at doing, but that left me with really one final resting place.

The sizable oak near the gate to my backyard was my target. In the milliseconds leading up to what would be a bullseye I knew I didn’t want to be on the mower when the collision happened. Like a skateboarder on a doomed trick, I bailed out before the worst could happen and skidded down the hill a couple of feet on my derriére that thankfully has more cushion to it than it once did.

My dismount was anything but graceful and definitely not Simone Biles-worthy. In fact it was downright ugly as both my dog, who witnessed the whole thing, and the security camera footage can attest. The video is up on my Facebook for anyone who would like a visual and a good laugh. I’ve added Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” as audio for effect and because that was another thought going through my head during this whole ordeal.

The good Lord was looking out for me because I left the incident without so much as a scratch. The only wounds were to my pride. As for the mower, that’s to be determined. It seemed to be O.K. visually besides a wonky hood, but it wasn’t wanting to start afterwards. I figure it probably needs a few days to work through the trauma.

Maybe my video will make it to the International Olympic Committee and they will see the athleticism necessary for extreme lawn-mowing makes it a worthy add as an Olympic sport. I’ve already got a clear jumpstart on the competition, and I figure with a few years’ training I can be ready for the 2028 Games in L.A.

Hopefully my recommendation for a new sport will make the cut.