Pound for Pound: Zoology

Published 10:30 am Wednesday, May 7, 2025

Welcome to the Connected Age, where the internet puts absolutely everything at our fingertips.

We’ve got helpful how-to videos, ways to have restaurant food and groceries brought to your door, and a heaping helping of disagreement. No one can agree on anything. Check the comments below a how-to video. There’s going to be at least one person saying, ‘That’s not how you put a belt on a lawnmower.’

The latest widespread debate is over whether or not 100 men could beat one adult gorilla in a fight. Running a close second in the discourse rankings is former New England Patriots and current University of North Carolina head football coach Bill Belichick, 73, and his 24-year-old girlfriend, Jordon Hudson.

Real quick on the gorilla front, because while I’m not getting into relationships in a sports column, I’m not above a combat sports hypothetical. I’m guessing the 100 men would be unarmed. Any type of weapon, in my mind, tips the scales heavily in the humans’ favor.

There’s also one very important question I haven’t seen asked about the gorilla in this scenario. Exactly how ornery a fella is he? Disposition aside, I do believe the men, over time, could actually overwhelm the gorilla and win the fight. You definitely don’t want to be among the first to step up to the plate, though.

As I was writing the absurd words above that will surely lose me some readers, news broke in the University of Michigan football sign-stealing scandal. ESPN reported Monday morning that head coach Sherrone Moore, who wasn’t even head coach when the scandal occurred, will be suspended for two games in the upcoming season. Although he wasn’t head coach, Moore isn’t blameless. He’s catching this round of heat due to him deleting text messages between himself and Connor Stalions, the Wolverine staffer accused of recording Michigan opponents’ play-calling signals for advanced scouting purposes.

You’ll remember that Michigan went on to win the national championship the season all this came to light. Seeing the writing on the wall, head coach at the time Jim Harbaugh skipped town after hoisting the trophy and went back to the NFL to coach the Chargers. Harbaugh was hit with what’s called a four-year show-cause order by the NCAA, meaning any member college program that would want to hire him between now and August 2028 would have to ask the Association’s permission first.

Important to note that Moore’s own two-game suspension is being imposed by Michigan and not the NCAA. If there is any punishment from the Association, that is still to come.

The NCAA last August sent U of M a notice of allegations where the school was cited for 11 violations, six of which at the highest, most serious level. They can’t take away the Wolverines’ national championship, because you can’t take away something you didn’t give out to begin with.

Remember the NCAA does not decide the Football Bowl Subdivision national champion. That’s done by the College Football Playoff, a completely separate entity. So Michigan fans, continue reveling in your completely tainted national title. It’s not going anywhere.

Wrapping up, I think I’ve set a new Pound for Pound record for the number of different animals referenced in a single column. This week we had gorillas, wolverines, a ‘Stalion,’ and, thanks to Belichick, what ever the male equivalent of a cougar is.