MILLIANS: Whataworld we live in

Published 4:30 pm Friday, January 31, 2025

After almost a week of watching Atlanta TV news, I have come to a startling discovery: We’re off the map.

Yes, the Atlanta stations – ABC, FOX, CBS, NBC, ANF (whatever that is – oh, that’s Atlanta News First) – have taken Milledgeville off their regional weather maps.

We’ve been replaced by that backwater hamlet called Eatonton.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

Well, I really can, given the development of the Lake Oconee area.

But I think I have come up with a new reason Eatonton is on the map and Milledgeville is not.

They have a Whataburger. We do not.

There it is – right on Eatonton’s 441 bypass: Whataburger (one word) in big, bright orange letters.

The Texas-based fast-food chain has brought its Texas-sized burgers to Eatonton. It’s one of only 27 in the state of Georgia. Of course, most are in the Atlanta area.

There are 759 Whataburger locations in Texas. Harmon Dobson opened the first Whataburger stand in Corpus Christi in 1950 to “serve a burger so big that it took two hands to hold, and so good that after a single bite customers couldn’t help but exclaim, ‘What a burger!’ “

But, really, I’m not all that surprised Eatonton got a Whataburger and Milledgeville didn’t because in today’s upside-down world, almost anything is believable. (Plus, I always wondered where all that traffic on Highway 441 North was going, and now I know. They are going to Eatonton to eat at Whataburger.)

It’s like the weather last week: Upside down. Snow and cold in South Georgia; sunny and clear in North Georgia.

Or how about this for upside-down: Kennedys (Carolyn) attacking Kennedys (Robert Jr.)?

Anyway, what I need — and I think we all need — is a good laugh.

This story is one my dad had saved, and it’s one of my favorites:

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy shoud try to give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey and a Playboy Magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.

“If he picks the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher just like me and what a blessing that would be.

“If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that’s OK, too.

“But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and what a shame that would be.

“And worst of all, if he picks up that Playboy Magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.”

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house, whistling, and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired that month’s centerfold.

“Lord, have mercy,” the old country preacher disgustedly whispered, “he’s gonna run for Congress!”

Well, some things never change.

—Rick Millians, a 1970 Baldwin High graduate, retired after working at newspapers in Georgia, Ohio and South Carolina. Reach him at rdmillians@aol.com.